Spiderwebs
by FallingKidneys
Summary: It was a brisk summer's eve... Ivan knew there was someone on the other side of his door... but who was it? what was their purpose of being here? and it all goes downhill from there...


**A/N: FIRST STORY. FINALLY.**

**This is just a lil rusame one shot we Rp'd from 11 to liiiike 1am or something C: MarshmallowSun was Ivan and Soggypotatoes was Alfred~ We were so god damn tired, have fun.**

**Disclaimer: **We are not of ownership in catland, what.

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><p>Alfred shifted his weight from foot to foot, gritting his teeth as his fist wavered in front of the door.<p>

Should he knock? Maybe it was a bad idea... Maybe he should just turn back...

He began to chew on his bottom lip, his muscles trembling nervously as he contemplated just running away.

Ivan looked up from his scarf, which he was currently fixing up with a few stitches. he could hear someone outside his front door and they had been there for a while but still had not knocked. Briefly he considered getting up but in the end he decided that if he was needed then he could answer the door. Right now he wanted to finish mending his scarf.

Alfred fisted his hair, glaring daggers at the door as his mind tore itself in two. One half was yelling just to _fucking knock on the door already_ while the other half just screamed at him to run away.

Fuck it, he was a hero, and heroes _never_ run away.

Before his brain could think up another excuse to leave he lifted up his fist and knocked, perhaps a little harder than he meant to.

Ivan smiled when he heard the knock. About time. He stood up, carefully placing his scarf and the needle on his desk and walked calmly to the door, wondering who was behind the piece of wood. Well, only one way to find out. He swung the door open. "Hm? Alfred? What can I do for you?" he asked, a little surprised to see the American, of all people.

Jumping at the sound of the Russian, Alfred blurted out the first thing he thought of. "COMMIE BASTARD."

Ivan raised an eyebrow. "Did you come to my house just to say that?"

"No! I came to... to..." Fuck, what did he come to do? He knew here was something...

There was a rather long awkward silence while Alfred's mouth opened and closed like a goldfish. "Er... I came to use your bathroom." He mentally slapped himself for coming up with such a lame excuse.

"...Really." Ivan stared at the other man for what seemed to be a long time. "Alfred, you've never been good with excuses but that was _terrible_."

"I... I happened to be in the vicinity and I needed to go! Just let me use your fucking toilet commie." Alfred tried to ignore the rising blush in his cheeks. _Fuck life._

Ivan rolled his eyes. "Whatever," he replied and stepped out of the way to let the American in_._

Alfed pushed past the older and stomped into his house, hiding his face in his fur coat and making sure to wipe his mud covered boots on Ivan's carpet. "So uh... where's the bathroom?"

"Do you mind?" Ivan remarked as he cast his gaze to the footprints. "...and it's upstairs, second door on the right."

Alfred then charged off towards the staircase, pausing before ascending them to strip off his coat and toss it onto the ground, muttering something about how the fucking commie's house was too hot.

Ivan watched the man run up the stairs and disappear from view. He sighed. He had been having a relatively good day and now the blond had come and ruined it. He walked over to Alfred's discarded coat, picked it up and hung it from one of the hooks on the nearby wall.

Upstairs, Alfred zipped his pants back up and sat begrudgedly on the toilet, resting his head in his hands. He didn't even need to go. This was bad... this was very bad...

Lifting his forehead from his palms his eye spied the cabinet above the sink. All of a sudden his curiosity got the better of him and he leapt over it, swinging the mirrored doors open and rummaging through the Russian's things, occasionally taking something out and trying it on, giggling as he made moustaches with moisturising cream and so on, too engrossed in this activity that he didn't hear the footsteps right outside the door.

"Alfred," Ivan sighed. "I can tell you're playing around with the stuff in my cabinet... Do you mind?"

"HOLY MOTHERFUCKING-" Alfred yelled as he slipped on the ground, his head banging against the tile floor with a sickening crack.

Ivan sighed again and walked downstairs again. "You'd better clean up, da?" He cared more about the tidiness of his house than Alfred's wellbeing.

"IVAN YOU MOTHERFUCKING COMMUNIST TABLE, I JUST FELL OVER AND BROKE MY HEAD AND THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY? IGGY WAS RIGHT ABOUT YOU." Alfred dramatically heaved himself onto his hands and knees, dragging himself out the door while whining and groaning.

"It's your own fault," Ivan called back. He returned upstairs and glared at Alfred. "So. Why are you really here?"

"H-help me... I'm... dying..." Alfred choked, clinging onto Ivan's trouser leg and looking up at him with large, watering blue puppy dog eyes.

"Oh get up. You're alright." Ivan snapped, patience wearing out quickly.

"N-no... I'm not... your floor broke my face..." Alfred gripped the cloth tighter, blinking in order to make tears fall from his eyes.

"If it had broken your face you would still be lying on the bathroom floor." Ivan replied coldly. "And even if you had majorly injured yourself, I wouldn't care. Now get up before I give you something to really cry about."

Pouting, Alfred used Ivan's pants to hoist himself up to his feet, dusting himself off and glaring up at the older, silently wishing he was taller.

As if reading the blond's mind, Ivan giggled and said, "You know you'd look much more threatening if you weren't so short~"

His face lighting up, Alfred pouted even more and stamped his foot like a child. "It's not my fault you're a fucking mountain! Plus, I haven't stopped growing yet you commie!"

"Sure, sure.." Ivan looked away, a smile beginning to creep onto his face. He loved teasing the blond. "Believe what you want, if it makes you feel better."

"yeah!... yeah, you'd better believe it ya commie." Alfred narrowed his eyes at the Russian. Something was wrong here... "Are you... being sarcastic?"

Ivan shrugged and looked back at Alfred. "Nyet.. Not really. Anyway, will you PLEASE tell me why you're here?"

"I am here... because... I'm here cause... I can't remember, you wiped my memory with your commie brain powers! Fucking bastard!"

"...Really. Is that the best you can come up with? If that's the best you can come up with, I can always.. make up a reason for you..."

"W-what?" Alfred raised an eyebrow and stepped back slightly. "The fuck are you talking about?"

"Well, to cut to the chase, this story is boring me SO." Ivan smirked and slung Alfred over his shoulder with relative ease. "To the bedroom with ye~"

"What?" Alfred stared dumbly for a minute before squirming and thrashing in Ivan's grip. "WHAT? THE FUCK ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH ME YA COMMIE BASTARD? LET ME GO YOU... YOU... YOU PENIS!"

"What an amazing insult," Ivan proclaimed subtly. "Now shut up and let me take you to a land of wonders and snow and.. You know what, just let me fuck you."

"w... wha... WHAT?" Alfred began to claw at Ivan's back desperately. "WHAT HAPPENED TO ASKING LIKE A NORMAL PERSON?"

"SINCE WHEN AM I A NORMAL PERSON YOU CACTUS?" Ivan danced on a fish sexily and dropped Alfred on the bed. Using his commie powers gained elsewhere, he made it so that they were both naked. "So now, Alfred, WHY ARE YOU HERE~? Not that I mind."

"I'm here to... to... FUCK YOUR MOTHERFUCKING BRAINS OUT." So then he grabbed Ivan and sat on him, leaning in to whisper into his ear. "_Get ready, Ivan dearest, for I am about to take you on the ride of your life_."

Ivan blinked.

He blinked again.

He didn't blink again because that's boring. But anyway. "Ohhh, I can't wait... But who said that you were topping? If I'm not topping then we change the topping to vanilla!"

"ohoho, I can do vanilla... I can do vanilla so hard its eyes pop out..." Alfred smirked, his eyes growing dark and lusty as he grinded his manhood into Ivan's in slow circles, making them both cry out at the frictionnnnnnnnn

Fractions were better than friction, Ivan thought, but he sure didn't say anything. "Like I said," Ivan got out between moaning, "Who said you're topping? Is caramel better than vanilla? Cause I sure don't want vanilla, its icky and reminds me of Poland. Betch pleeease."

"Ohohonhonhon." said Alfred, "You want caramel? _Here's your caramel_." With that, he opened his mouth wide and pure, sickly sweet caramel pouring out from between his lips and over Ivan's body.

"...But it was an oxymoron, da... Or is it... CARAMELCEPTION?" and with that, Ivan's tongue began caramelldensoning with Alfred's and with that they began to float like a walrus. "Hey, you know what, I'll let you fuck me." Ivan gasped as his finger did a pirouette down Alfred's spine.

"OKEEEEEY" said Alfred and then ALL OF A SUDDEN his hair slipped off and underneath were wavy blonde locks that almost reached his shoulders. "OHONHONHONHONHON MON PETIT LAPIN~" said france before he entered Ivan with the Eiffel tower in one massive thrust that went ALLLLLLLLLLLLL the way to the hilt.

"AW HELL NUUUUUUUU!" Ivan shrieked. "GIMME MY ALFRED BACK YOU B- actually, I'm not Ivan. I am... ANDY. IM JUST RPING, PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!" Ivan gasped as his prostate was hit by a billion butterflies. "...You know, I lied again. I'm Russia. Anyway, whether you're America or not, just fuck me!"

"AND EAT SANDWICHES I SHALL." said France, who was eating a marmalade, peanut butter and carrot sandwich. He then pulled out and thrust into him again, relishing in the tight heat that clasped around his peanut allergy.

"MY GOD I WAS LYING YOU FROG! YOU COULD GIVE ME HERPES! I WANT MY ALFRED BACK! I WANT MY ALFRED BACK! I WANT MY.." With this, Ivan turned into a cute little kid with cute little tears in his eyes. Three seconds later he transformed back. "ALFIIIIIIE WHERE ARE YOU?" he cried out to the desolate and bitter vinegar black which wasn't actually black in any way, shape or form.

And then, Alfred appeared underneath him and yelled out "DOUBLE PENETRATION BUTCH" before entering Russia at the same time France did.

Ivan screamed. "Neverrrrrrrrrr!" And he used his toenail to make France explode into a pony filled nightmare. "Oh Alfred, will you love me and only me?

"Ivan... you are my one and only... I WILL NEVER LET GO OF YOU." And then Agent Smith walked past and got a hard on so he went off to find Neo so he could hump his brains out, but the two lovers were too busy making l'amore to notice.

"And I shall never sell camels to Argentina on butterflies' wings! Because I love you!" Ivan pulled Alfred into a kiss which deepened further than an ocean could ever deepen."Fuck me more Alfred... I want you... I NEED you... PLEASE!"

Alfred's penis was then like WHALESSSS and went so deep inside Ivan it went allll the way through his intestine, stomach, oesophagus and ended up coming out of Ivan's mouth and was like HELLO WORLD, MAH NAME IS FLORIDA

"OH MY GAWD... YESSSS ALFRED! MORE! MORE!" He moaned his lover's name with each thrust... Well actually, Alfred happened to be the name of a cupcake at his favourite bakery. "So gooood," he gasped as he recalled the sweetness of the pastry that wasn't quite a pastry but Ivan liked the word so shut up Lithuania.

So Florida then went into Alfred's mouth and through his digestive tract until it came out the other end and was fucking both of them at the same time. "MMMMMMH IVANNNN YOU SO TIGHTTTTTT AND HOTTT AND OHHHHHH GOOOOODDDD AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH" and then he came so hard the daleks soon found themselves in a galaxy a hundred billion kazillion miles away covered in white shit.

"EXTERMINATE" said the daleks and they immediately started plotting world domination.

Ivan came straight after - no that's not true, how biased. He came GAY after Alfred because that's how he rolls. "You know," he panted as he kissed Alfred's elbow tenderly, "Norway has been in the corner of the room this whole time. He's my new pet. Don't worry, I don't love him. Oh and one other thing. THE CAKE WAS A LIE." And with that he exploded and all that was left was a bag of MnMs and a ticket to the last Harry Potter movie. The end.


End file.
